We all have choices in life


A couple of years ago, I read an article written by a married man who was describing marriage as work. Work that he happened to come across just to realize that he was having the choice between keeping at it or quitting. I wish I could remember where I read this article, or the name of the author.

When I read it, it first struck me as pretty odd to see marriage not as a relationship, but as a job… At that time, I had been married for just a few years, and yes, of course, there were obstacles and differences, yet I couldn’t imagine my married life as a sort of work.

Over the past half-decade, I have been pretty much looking into myself, inwardly, because I felt the urge to do something about the way my marriage had shaped itself into. My husband is working all day, but he still finds the time for the people and things that matter most to him.

He’s a very hard worker, and a good family man. One you can depend on. The real sweet one. Every woman I know loves my husband for exactly these traits. Perfect? Oh sure, until you’re gonna marry a person like my husband and find out one day, that you’re not on the top of his favorite list.

Some ten years ago. I made the difficult decision to accept the situation and stayed home to be there for my children, and I’ve never regretted that decision. Now that my kids have become teenagers and start to develop a life of their own (my eldest son has already done so), I really find myself in the situation that I want to find a next chapter in my life.

I would like to get back to work, even more than two or three years ago. Two years ago I went back to school and earned my A/A and A/S. The timing was pretty bad though, especially for someone like me. The economy hadn’t bounced back yet, and finding a job has been extremely hard. But nothing to worry, this time I’m planning to take advantage of the time and I’ll be returning to school to get my B/A in the fall.

Needless to say, you’ll understand that I have had lots of time to reflect my decision to get back to work. My husband really doesn’t care about the things I do – go back to work or be staying at home. He just wants a home cooked meal as well as a clean house when he comes home. He rolls his eyes, and says ‘Not bad’, he’s oh so supportive…

Sure, it is great to have the choices I have, but wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to share what’s left life with. You see, we didn’t spend so much time together for the larger part of our marriage. Remember, I did marry a workaholic! Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving what I do, I love my children, I love my life, but it would be so much better if I had a person to share it with.

Last year my husband and I had a serious blow-out. We’ve tried counseling and I have seriously thought about a separation several times. I asked my husband for a divorce three separate times, but he would like our marriage to work so, we carried on. We’ve also been spending a lot of time together, must by ourselves, without the kids, as part of a decision-making process to see if it could work because, despite everything, we are aware that we do love each other pretty much.

Over the last years, I asked a number of divorced women that I know personally if they were really happier now. Well, they all had different reasons for getting divorced, and surely not all divorces were due to infidelity. Most marriages had lasted between 10 and 15 years, and my husband and I are in our 15th year in our marriage. The time span from my friends’ divorces to now also was varying from 2 to 5 years.

The consensus? None! They said yes and no to question if they were happier now that they got divorced, and there were many frowns….and to be honest, the answers were not easy to pull from them. They all were much happier in the sense of re-found freedom now that they were being single again, but just a couple of them were engaged in steady relationships with someone new.

Were they happier now with their new-found love? Not necessarily. All of them advised me to work hard to save my marriage. Not for the reasons that my husband is such a sweet guy. How ungrateful was I, how could I want more out of my marriage? Well, these were the same things I had already heard from, well, happily married women…